A Quiet Mind
by fuckingbrianaman
Summary: Remus Lupin wakes up early the morning after a full moon and ponders his best friends - one in particular. Mararuder era, mostly drabble with some plot hidden in there. Warning: slash and songfic. Makes more sense with "Didn't Want Him to Know."


**Author's Note: Ah, here we are, facing my first (duhn duhn duuuuuh!) songfic. Warning!! It's slash! If you don't like slash, fine and dandy, just don't read it and then review that I'm a sucky author just because it involves gayness. If you like my hetero stories but hate slash just make it easier on all of us and don't read this story. I don't want your opinion of me to drop just because you don't like some of what I write about. I've had this jumping around in my mind for a long time, and I have decided to **_**finally**_** write it. The song is "A Quiet Mind" by Blue October. This story is a surprise present for a certain author who has written some (capital A) Awesome Sirius/Remus in her time: notsoinnocentfangirl, this I wrote with your best interests in mind. I sincerely hope you enjoy. And without further ado…**

A Quiet Mind

_A slow strangle with your feet on the floor  
I've got 14 angels and we're sleeping alone  
In the back of a cave, where the rest of us go  
To feel normal_

When Remus Lupin awoke, it was to pain. A slow abiding pain that had seeped into his very bones – that had defined his entire being for almost all of his life. Surely this pain would eventually kill him? It was as if everything he did was constantly clouded with this eternal _hurt_. His eyes were still closed, but he remembered that opening them was an important step in the process called "waking up". He decided to take this step.

Immediately he regretted his decision. Too bright light from a small window that hung from the ceiling was shining right into his dilated eyes. His ears rang with the sound of the light as he slammed his eyes shut again and fortified them with a barricade of hands. Reasoning that perhaps the sitting position would bring him more luck, he pulled himself up and out of the lights direct and stampeding path.

Remus looked around the dingy room, taking in its bareness and its dust, its scars and its secrets, but most importantly, its occupants. Peter was no longer a rat; he lay draped over the lone surviving armchair, snoring heavily. James, on the other hand, was actually lying in one of the (remarkably intact) designated cots and seemed to be sleeping quite well. Although he didn't snore, he did – on occasion – talk in his sleep, and Remus had to thank his lucky stars that his mate was being mercifully silent at the moment; he really didn't want to hear any more of James's more… er… _hormonal_ dreams, which always seemed to focus on a certain green eyed girl. Then the last of the boys caught his gaze.

Sirius Black lay sprawled on the floor, right next to Remus, with his face turned towards him. The werewolf could vaguely remember the black dog curled up next to him all night, offering the comfort and protection that no one else could give him. Here in this shack with the people he loved most sleeping and looking so innocent, he could believe that life was average; despite exploding into a horrible _beast_ every month, despite being scarred beyond repair, and despite the butterflies he got in his stomach every time his best friend was near him, he could believe that life was average.

_I call baby up – leave me alone  
I'm in pain but I won't let you band-aid my wound  
I am mad at a stage where I can't seem to handle my own  
(Can't even handle my…)_

It hurt like hell, looking at Sirius, and not just because he was sore all over. This was Sirius Black: prankster extraordinaire, most handsome man at Hogwarts, and all around ladies man. But that was just it, wasn't it? He was so perfect and Remus was so... _broken_. He needed Sirius in order to be happy, needed to just hear his voice and everything was okay. But Remus hated that need. It made him weak, and he was already so unworthy of his friend as it was (werewolf monster, nerdy, shy, scarred, tainted, the list went on) – he didn't need anything else to further expand the horrible canyon that stretched between them. He hated that Sirius had to _protect_ him. He hated that Sirius had to take care of him as if he were a child. He hated that he couldn't, just once, be strong.

All of Remus's self hate had built up. He could feel it poisoning his life, and yet he could do nothing about it. There was no cure for his disgusting affliction and there sure as hell wasn't a cure for gayness. It was so wrong, having these feelings for his best mate, especially seeing as his best mate had the same equipment he did. But he wanted him, this he could not deny.

_You give me a quiet mind  
And I, I love you  
You give me a quiet mind  
And I, I love you  
Until the end  
Until the end…_

Sirius was beautiful, and excessively loyal, and wonderfully charming, and everything Remus wished he was. Sirius was strong, and brave, and outgoing – Remus was weak, and terrified, and introversive. They had nothing in common; they shared everything. They argued with all the rage of hell; they laughed like their lives depended on it.

Remus knew his did.

_Give me strength to be kind – to combine  
All the good things in life that are so hard to find  
But I have and I won't let them go like I do with my friends  
My friends…_

He knew also, that Sirius was only trying to make things easier on him, just as James and Peter did. It wasn't right for Remus to snap at his friends whenever his "furry little problem" came close. Sometimes he would pray to whatever god there happened to be, _don't let me screw this up…_ He feared the day that these amazing people wised up and sliced him from their lives. Until then he planned to do everything in his power to take full advantage of them. No, that sounded bad – to bask in the glow of having people actually care about him. They were wonderful. The Marauders were easily the best things that had ever happened to him, and he refused to just let that go without a fight.

Sure, he had had friends in the past, but they had been nothing compared to this. They had marooned him on an island the moment he was stupid enough to reveal his monster secret to them, and that was, in itself, enough to break Remus's back. But not the Marauders. They had prodded and poked at the secret, which had been wrapped in shredded paper for so long. Slowly they had unwrapped it and, oddly enough, loved it. Well, maybe not _loved_, but they had accepted it, and Remus thought that was one hell of a feat.

_Still hearing voices from front, from behind  
They're the reason I chose when to live, how to die  
When to cast, when to reel, when to buy, when to steal  
And when to fiend for the friends who taught you being inappropriate will…_

Sometimes, in moments like this, when he looked back on his life and compared it to his present, he could still hear the whispers. The children he had thought were his "friends"; his parents late at night when he was supposed to be asleep; and worst of all, Greyback when he cornered him – a little boy – in an ally just beyond human ears. They were his motivation, as twisted as it may seem. He had to go on living like a civilized werewolf, if only to prove them all wrong. He had to _make_ something of himself. He had to be more than just half beast, half man. They pushed him forward, them and their whispers. They had taught him just how important James and Peter and Sirius were to him, even if the world only saw them as a bunch of useless louts.

_Give me a quiet mind  
And I, I love you  
You give me a quiet mind  
And I, I love you _

His eyes properly adjusted, Remus lay back down next to Sirius and looked at him, savoring the flavor of the sweetest worm that early bird had ever caught. It wasn't often that he managed to wake before his friends on a full moon morning, but it did indeed sometimes happen, and he treasured every moment of it. He looked at Sirius. No, looked _in_ Sirius. Remus wanted nothing more than to know what thoughts ran through this boy – man's – head. Were they about the many girls who's hearts he was current possessor of? Were they idle fantasies of a vague future and a possible career? Or – and he knew it was dumb to think, stupid to hope, but he couldn't help it – of Remus himself?

Remus prayed often, and it was almost always the same exact prayer:_ Please_ _let him love me. Let him need me like I need him._ He prayed now.

_You give me, you give me  
And I, I love you  
You give me a quiet mind  
And I, I love you_

Sirius opened his eyes slowly and squinted at Remus for a minute. The latter could hardly breathe. He wanted nothing more than to jump on the other boy and snog him senseless, coming up occasionally to take a breath and confess the secret he'd been keeping for years. Or at least reach out and touch him. But alas, neither option was one he could pull off without the best possible outcome being heaps of awkward questions, and the worst being losing the Marauders forever.

_Merlin_, he wanted him, though.

Sirius smiled at him and good-naturedly told him that he bore quite a resemblance to dragon manure, a comment which earned him a slap to the back of the head.

"You try exploding out of your skin and spending an entire night gnawing on your own legs!" Remus muttered, defending himself. "We'll see who looks like dung then!"

Sirius laughed quietly and patted him on the head, which wasn't easy, as they were both still lying down. Remus's breath hitched in his throat and his heart sped up to about three hundred and seventy-two beats per minute when the other boy let his hand linger. In all technicalities, his brain was still functioning, but the only thing he could think was his prayer:_ please, please, please, please… _

Fingers began to thread themselves into sandy hair and gazes melted from nervous to entranced. Slowly faces were pulled together and misty breath was mixed. A whisper came from the unscarred mouth: "If I could take it for you, Remus, you know I would. In a heartbeat."

No other words were exchanged for a minute as flesh met flesh in a tender but shaky kiss. For a moment there was a still silence, and then the blonde's deepest desires took over and the kiss became more primal, needier, more –

"'Bout damn time," a groggy voice interrupted. Sirius and Remus broke the kiss and flew to a sitting position, whipping around to see James stretching on his cot, fully awake, and fully aware of what had just passed between them. The shaggy haired teen laughed, and the other blushed profusely. But it didn't matter, because he could feel a hand clutching his and the promise of "together" hung in the air.

_Until the end  
Until the end…_


End file.
